Becoming Her: The Journey from Armor to Elegance
guest article by Serenity Cole
There was a time I believed softness was dangerous. It had no place in white coats, boardrooms, or courtroom custody battles. Now I wear pearls and peace in the same breath, and I have my sisters to thank for that.
I once wore strength like a tailored coat - sharp, structured, and always buttoned to the neck.
In lecture halls and late-night study sessions...
In the rigid weight of my white coat…
In mothering after separation and moving states alone…I led with logic, resilience, and grit.
If I didn’t do it, who would?
That question followed me like a shadow. Soft mornings and gentle asks felt like luxuries I could not afford. Every choice was a proving ground. Somewhere along the way, we start mistaking exhaustion for empowerment.
That version of me was necessary, but she was never the whole story.
The Armor I Carried
As a minority woman in graduate school, every classroom felt like a looming courtroom where my worth was on trial. I didn’t come from legacy or connections. All I had was grit, and grit became my shield.
Marriage didn’t loosen that armor. Instead of leaning into trust, I wielded independence like a weapon. Disagreements became battlegrounds, victories measured by who was the last to yield. When my first marriage dissolved, I stood again as the knight in shining armor - this time fighting not only for myself but for my little prince. Together we learned the closeness of us against the world. My son was my reason, my cause, my co-defender.
In my career, the pattern continued to deepen. I wore my armor into clinics when patients measured my worth against male doctors, into classrooms where teaching gave me stability but demanded constant authority, into corporate roles along with supervisory titles that required control. Each pivot proved I could stand tall, but none gave me space to sit softly. The world applauded my strength, but no one showed me how to flourish in my femininity. No matter the role, the armor remained.
The Same Battles Resurfacing
By the time I remarried, I thought I had mastered strength. Yet the same battles resurfaced, this time with a different man. Once again, I guarded instead of trusting, fought instead of seeking compromise, and proved instead of resting. My love language was power: I’ll be fine with or without you.
On the outside, I was independent and unshaken. On the inside, I was weary of the war. The near-destruction of my second marriage became a mirror I could no longer avoid. Patterns don’t lie. If the same story repeats with different characters, the lesson is mine to learn.
Curiosity for Another Way
That breaking point stirred a quiet curiosity in me, a yearning to understand the dance between masculine and feminine energy. I no longer wanted to be the lone warrior. I wanted to know what it meant to be queen beside a king.
Until then, the idea of femininity felt abstract, even suspicious. Growing up, softness was often equated with weakness, and I lacked role models who showed otherwise. Society glorified the “boss chick” persona - domineering, unyielding, armored. What I longed for was the yin-yang of life: partnership, balance, ease. Still, I had no roadmap.
Sisterhood as Mirror and Muse
I began to grow when I found a circle of women who lived what I had only imagined. Within this sisterhood, femininity is not an abstract concept but a daily practice. Elegance is not for display but for living - woven into the way they speak, support, and carry themselves. Their refinement and grace extend outward, nurturing friendships and communities with the same devotion that strengthens their marriages. Longevity, joy, and partnership are not accidents; they are fruits of intentional love.
In this circle, I have been quietly shaped by gestures of thoughtfulness - postcards arriving from distant places, carrying with them the warmth of being remembered; little tokens from travels abroad that fold me into another woman’s joy, even when miles apart. I’ve been surprised by handwritten notes on ordinary days, or swept into the beauty of holiday tea at a five-star hotel where conversation sparkled brighter than the china. Sunflowers picked side by side in open fields, lunches shared in historic bank vaults, day trips carved out just to sit together - these are the details that root me.
Even while traveling without me, they carry me in mind. On one trip, knowing my love for Bridgerton and my quiet obsession with plants, they created a customized momento just for me and chose a small plant replica as a keepsake. A gesture so simple, yet it memorialized their day while including me in it - a reminder that sisterhood makes space for you even when you’re not in the room.
These women, in their ordinary elegance, show me what I had never known to believe: femininity is not fragile. It is foundational.
Becoming Her
Today, I am still becoming. I still feel the tug of old armor at times; the instinct to protect, to prove, to perform. I also feel pearls at my throat and peace in my chest. I no longer believe exhaustion is empowerment. I no longer mistake guardedness for strength.
I am learning the grace of yielding, the elegance of stillness, the unmatched power of trust.
I am learning that sisterhood is both a mirror and a balm - it shows us who we’ve been and reminds us who we can be.
Reflection for You
Maybe you know the weight of always being the one who holds it together. Maybe you’ve whispered, If I didn’t do it, who would? Or maybe you’ve told yourself, I’ll be fine with or without you, even when what you really wanted was a love worth leaning on.
Pause and ask yourself:
What shield am I ready to set down?
What might elegance, in its simplest form, offer me instead?
We encourage you to chat with us about your insights:
How do you think societal expectations of strength and resilience impact women’s mental and emotional well-being?
How do you think we can balance our desire for independence and self-sufficiency with our need for connection and community?
Serenity Cole, Content Contributor (almum)
Serenity Cole, was a Content Contributor at Echoes & Vine Magazine from 2024-2025. She brought warmth and authenticity to her narratives, exploring the human experience with depth and compassion. A resident of the Washington, DC, Metro area, Serenity’s roots run deep, much like the gardens that she tends. In this same spirit, nurtured by her green thumb and curious nature, her stories bloom with petal-soft awareness, cultivating introspection and personal growth.
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Disclaimer: This article is intended to provide motivational and inspirational content. However, if you are experiencing thoughts of depression, suicide, or other mental health concerns, please seek help from a qualified medical or mental health professional.
In the United States, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text the Crisis Text Line at 741741.
For international emergency mental health support, please visit helpguide.org, which lists global helplines and crisis centers.
Remember, mental health support is available, and there is help for those who need it.